Coincidentia Oppositorum
A coincidence of opposites; the reconciliation of contradicting forces; the coexistence of opposing ideas.
It is not that opposites are separate. They create a whole—however, each produce their own fruits when there is an imbalance in strength.
Here is the point:
Our virtues and vices make up the entirety of us.
Our strengths and weaknesses establish our whole identity. We are not the sum of one extreme; our greatest strength or our greatest weakness. Though we instinctively trend toward what is positively reinforced and abandon what has left us feeling foolish, misunderstood, uncomfortable, or vulnerable.
The Paradigm Shift:
What we are strong in (our dominant attributes) are highly practiced.
What we are weak in (our inferior attributes) are barely practiced.
It’s not that I am not my opposite, I have only overdeveloped one side and underdeveloped the other side.
The goal is not to eradicate weakness. It is to offer ourselves some practice time.
I have access to both my strengths AND my weaknesses; the thing I’m really good at, and the thing I’ve deemed “not my thing” or “I’m really bad at”. Giving myself time to observe, label, and address my weakness is the process of gaining awareness of it.
In gaining awareness, this weakness will not express itself in my subconscious (my most engrained, instinctive way of interacting with the world), therefore creating different outcomes which will change fate.
What does it mean to “observe, label, and address” my weakness?
Observe:
You find yourself becoming triggered (aka emotionally stimulated) by something, or you realize you’ve been spending a long time in a certain emotion.
Label:
You drop what you’re doing and articulate (label, define) the feeling and activity. What are they as singular events? What is the relationship between the two? What do I label the cause and what do I label the effect? This is the process of establishing meaning in your behavior. This is the essence of awareness.
Address:
Your narrative (how you delegate meaning) of what’s happened and how it defines you carves a path to action.
How have you established your role? What are you taking responsibility of? What do you say about yourself, having spent the time you did in a certain emotion or behavior? Does this set you up to feel inspired to change, or does it bog you down and tear you apart?
Our best expressions and milestones of growth are realized after a time of steadiness and consistency. A steadiness in identity, mission, and disposition, and consistency in thought, feeling, and behavior.
Steadiness and consistency contribute to feelings of trust.
You trust people who are steady and consistent, because they are predictable; therefore, safe.
You develop trust with yourself in the same way you develop trust for others.
Addressing: The most crucial step to change.
When you falter, the way to regain steadiness is to consistently:
Observe
Label
Address—Articulate how your next act will set your feelings and behaviors back on route to your desired outcome.
Note: There is no lingering in or identifying with failure or feelings of shame. There is no self-loathing. You simply experience, observe, label, and move through into your intended state/flow.
Back to Coincidentia Oppositorum
These 3 steps (observe, label, address) is a practice. If our greatest weakness is distraction, we have yet to establish a practice of observing, labeling, and addressing the things that distract us.
Now that we’ve adopted a new way of seeing our weakness—something we have full access to, rather than something far beyond our reach—we know we are capable of directing our attention to what we value and away from what depletes us of life and energy.
I am strong in attention. I simply direct it to one or several things more often than to another.
All that’s required is using the sudden realization, or self-awareness, that occurs to me as a cue to practice (observe, label, address) and transition myself from one behavior into the next.
Distraction will always be in my life. It will always tempt me, especially in the most crucial tasks. It is a part of the whole; there is no reality without it. I am not made incomplete by it. Distraction informs me of my weakness: where I direct my attention.
How I know I am stronger in my weakness:
A decrease in
Identification with failure (realizing how much time I spent in distraction)
Negative self-talk (a part of that identification instinct)
Transition time (how long it takes to observe, label, and address)
An increase in
Understanding who I am and who I am not (the distinction between the event, the feeling, and how I define myself and the world based on the two)
Positive self-talk (reaffirming my worth apart from success/failure)
Inspired action (quickly releasing the temptation to wallow)
There is always a solution where there is grace.
Shame is a chasm, Grace is a bridge.
To give yourself Grace is to say:
“This doesn’t have to define me and my future. I am allowed to move on.”
This is different to how many of us learned to address failure and weakness: Through punishment.
We once learned that the way to pay for our failures is by experiencing some form of punishment; originally from our guardian, and then from ourselves.
But we never learned how to strengthen our weakness through punishment. We only learned to avoid the weakness; to hide it away, neglect it, abandon it. In doing so, it remains a part of us, but is highly underdeveloped.
Now, we are adults. Now, we are required to take responsibility for our neglected weaknesses by addressing them.
If we don’t, they will throw tantrums. They will beg to be seen by expressing themselves in how we see ourselves, our family, our friends, our enemies, and the lens through which we interpret reality.
Shame is a Punisher; a floodlight to your weakness that exploits your vulnerabilities and pushes them into hiding.
Grace is a Nurturer; a candle’s soft glow, helping you slowly adjust your eyes to this hidden vulnerability, embrace it, and guide it away from the corner and into the light.
We are strong in punishing ourselves.
We must practice Grace to strengthen our weakness.
What would it do, to instinctively choose grace over punishment?
Who would I become if I did not identify with my failures?
How would my relationships develop if I knew I was trustworthy and dependable?
If this post was helpful in your process of working through your present challenges, consider upgrading to the paid subscription of my publication, The Midlife Diary. There, we’ll discuss more ways of developing your inner voice and how doing so will play major role in your journey to healing, self-discovery, and living out your greatest potential.
Like always, I’m so glad you’re here. See you in the next post!
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